Two married buddies were out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I get home after we’ve been out, I turn the headlights off before I hit the driveway, shut off the engine, and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go inside, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, and ease into bed as quietly as possible…
…and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” 
His buddy shakes his head and says:
“Well, there’s your problem. You’re doing it all wrong! I screech into the driveway, slam the door, stomp up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt, and say…
‘Hey, good lookin’ you as horny as I am?’
And for some weird reason, she ALWAYS fast asleep.”
