I’ve been teaching for about fifteen years now. I have two kids myself, but the most memorable birth story I know is one I heard in my second-grade classroom a few years ago.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell, so I always incorporate a few sessions with my students. It’s a great way to help them overcome shyness and practice public speaking, plus it gives me a fun break.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in things like pet turtles, model airplanes, or pictures of fish they’ve caught—nothing too wild. I never place any limits; if they want to bring it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.
One day, this bright and outgoing little girl, Erica, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a photo of an infant and says, “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.”
She stands there, hands on her pillow, trying to keep a straight face, and I’m holding back laughter, wishing I had a video camera. The other kids are watching her wide-eyed.
“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’” Erica says, groaning and putting a hand behind her back. “She walked around the house for, like, an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’”
Now, she’s doing this funny little duck-walk, groaning and holding her back. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on her car like the Domino’s man. They got my mother to lie down like this.” Erica lies down dramatically against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” She mimics water flowing out with her legs spread and her hands. I was trying so hard not to laugh—it was too much.
“Then the middle wife says ‘push, push, and breathe, breathe.’ They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”
With that, Erica stands up, takes a big theatrical bow, and returns to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Since then, whenever it’s show-and-tell day, I always bring my camcorder—just in case another Erica comes along!
