My wife and I were in bed watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have some fun?”
“No,” she replied.
I grinned and asked, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time—just said, “Yes.”
“Well then, I’ll phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight began…
I took my wife to a restaurant and for some reason, the waiter took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He raised an eyebrow and said, “Aren’t you worried about mad cow disease?”
I replied, “Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight began…
At her high school reunion, my wife kept staring at a drunken man sitting alone at a table.
I asked, “Do you know him?”
“Yes,” she sighed. “He’s my ex. After we broke up, he turned to drinking, and I hear he hasn’t sobered up since.”
I said, “Wow, who would’ve thought someone could celebrate that long?”
And that’s when the fight started…
When our lawnmower broke, my wife kept hinting I should get it fixed. But, I always had something more pressing—like working on the shed, fixing the boat, or brewing beer.
Finally, she found a clever way to get me to pay attention. I came home one day to find her sitting in the tall grass, cutting it with tiny sewing scissors.
I stood there watching her for a minute, then went inside.
A minute later, I came back out with a toothbrush and said, “When you finish with the grass, you might as well clean the driveway.”
The doctors say I’ll walk again, but I’ll always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And that’s when the fight started…
On a Saturday morning, I got up early, packed my lunch, and quietly hooked the boat to the van. I drove out into a storm, but when I checked the weather on the radio, I realized it was going to be bad all day.
I backed the van into the garage, undressed quietly, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife and whispered, “The weather is awful outside.”
She groggily replied, “And can you believe my idiot husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started…
For our anniversary, my wife hinted at wanting something shiny that could go from 0 to 150 in three seconds.
So, I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s when the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The lady asked for my driver’s license, but I realized I left my wallet at home. I apologized and said I’d have to come back.
She said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
I revealed my silver chest hair, and she nodded.
“That’ll do,” she said, and processed my application.
When I got home, I told my wife the story, and she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants. You might’ve qualified for disability too.”
And that’s when the fight started…
My wife stood in front of the mirror, looking upset.
“I feel awful. I’m old, fat, and ugly. I really need a compliment,” she said.
I looked at her and replied, “Your eyesight is almost perfect.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I rear-ended a car this morning, and it turned into a really bad day.
The driver got out… and he was a dwarf!
He looked up at me and said, “I am NOT happy!”
I answered, “Well, which one are you then?”
And that’s when the fight started…
One year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas.
The next year, I didn’t get her anything.
When she asked why, I said, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I got you last year!”
And that’s when the fight started…
